Thank you Sailor Moon Crystal for raising the most important question of my time.
…
Of course, if you just manage to sleep long enough, you’ll never encounter a morning after all.

Thank you Sailor Moon Crystal for raising the most important question of my time.

Of course, if you just manage to sleep long enough, you’ll never encounter a morning after all.

I want to write a bunch about this, but I have so much to do and so little time.

Trigger Warning: violence against women

Originally I was just going to note a few things, but now I have a list of quotations sadly removed from their context.

  • "Ideas have meaning beyond the individual people who use them"
  • "gentlemen" and "chivalry" as dangerous concepts that can fail to respect reality (I used to fall into the trap of those concepts more)
  • I like the voice of the text
  • the unilateral nature of some “chivalry”
  • "what I’m offering or else", particularly the "take that out on yu in a million small and big ways"
  • "navigating the desire, anger, and power-over of many men before we are old enough to know how to handle it"
  • "many will have learned early that men are nicer to them and listen to them more when they are sexually desireable"
  • "often men who simply have not learned meaningful consent skills or how to get out of their own heads long enough to see and hear what someone else is feeling"
  • "the tip of the iceberg of overt visible misogyny masks deep subterranean institutional and cultural practises that are hidden in plain sight"
  • "the code of gentlemanly behaviour does nothing to remedy this problem.  Because it is not in dialogue with women…"
  • "we don’t really know our own minds or our own experiences, that our perceptions are simply not as valid as a man’s"
  • "In a million cumulative microaggressions so pervasive you and we don’t even always notice they are happening, have been told that our perceptions are not to be trusted"
  • "That is how systemic violence works: we all buy in.  We all buy in.”
  • "You are responsible for not retraumatizing the women you care for."
  • "A genuinely safe male presence in women’s lives, who can hear the honest truth - about your actions and those of men before you - and not balk or attack."
  • "listen, truly listen, and encourage her to trust her voice, her perceptions that have been downplayed all her life - including, mostly likely, by you, even thought you didn’t mean to""
  • "If you are not actively working against your gender role, you are reinforcing it"
  • "Try saying, ‘this is what I heard, is that what you mean?’
  • "Don’t make promises you can’t keep; build trust slowly and deliberately"
  • "Stick around"
  • "You can’t only ‘treat women well’ when you are attracted to them"
  • "Encourage her voice, encourage her to trust her truth and her experience.  Even if that raises fears in you of your own darkest sides"
  • "More empowering than having doors held or having someone ‘treat you like a lady’ is having your perceptions of reality genuinely heard"
  • "Who are you in dialogue with [when you think of yourself as a gentleman]?"

The recurring theme that bothers me most perhaps is failing to acknowledge, respect, and encourage someone’s perceptions.  Mostly because I managed to fail at that to a horrific degree with someone I have deeply loved.

It feels foreign and strange to me years on, that I could have been so awful.  I didn’t really understand it was happening until the end.  Everything seemed like an isolated and justified case, we might have a difference, and ultimately I’d steamroll her and she’d concede.  I wasn’t more logical, I was unilateral.

Shivers me timbers.  Keep improving towards a better future.